My family and other beasts of the world

A couple of quickies then onto the meat.

My gorgeous clever daughter has a blog of her own (spreading the geek around) it can be found

here

My partner in crime and other activities has a website with gigs etc on it (spreading the jazz geekness too)

here

I am immensely proud of both of them and thought I would share.

Now.........

I come from a small family that despite occasional moments of brain fartedness (on my part) are very tight knit and extremely loving and supportive.It is such an honour to have people actually know what you're like and still love and back you up even when you behave badly. Some people I call family are not even related by blood but by care,concern and a shared affection.

But that's how families should work.........but sometimes not.

Many of the young people I work with have less than supportive families, for all sorts of reasons that may or may not relate to them as individuals. Nevertheless I am struck with the knowledge that teenagers can be hard to tolerate for many parents and families but surely this is the time that the most patience and love is required. Teachers have a role to play that cannot be underestimated, I am often the only adult that a young person feels able to talk to about their concerns academic or social.

I find the emotional weight of this difficult to manage, however I am learning that I must be their teacher and not their parent, despite my overwhelming urge to take them home, feed them (because I must feed everyone) and make them feel safe until such time as they can see their own untapped potential for awesomeness or even just stability.

Boundary management is not just the purvey of teachers but also health professionals and anyone else that gets to see the vulnerable belly of our society exposed. My current dilemma is how to do it and still care enough to help but maintain my own emotional integrity and energies for my family...?

Running in The Bushes

Many years ago a mountain almost killed me, for real....so the fact that I am now getting a little obsessed with not only climbing them (or their rocks) but also running along their trails in somewhat ironic, strange or a bit of a worry if you're my Mum.

Here and now, a lifetime away from being airlifted off Mont Blanc; I have discovered the joy of running through the bushes, I am very slow, around 7 minutes a km and occasionally fall on my face, I get covered in scratches and bruises but I feel free in a way that is almost spiritual.

If I didn't have a heart that only functioned at 50% capacity and all the time in the world to get fit and play in the mountains this is what I would like to be....

Growing Up

I have been thinking about the process of growing up. The how's why's and wherefores of it along with the pain, disappointment and ultimately peace and contentment that hopefully comes.

Many things have precipitated this but mostly the following......a song, a conversation with my beautiful sister and struggling to be the best mother that I can be.

The song is by Amanda Palmer ( no surprises there) and here is an extract;

and in my mind

i imagine so many things

things that aren’t really happening

and when they put me in the ground, i’ll start pounding the lid

saying “i haven’t finished yet –

i still have a tattoo to get

that says ‘i’m living in the moment’.”

and it’s funny how i imagined that i could win this winless fight

but maybe it isn’t all that funny that i’ve been fighting all my life

but maybe i have to think it’s funny if i wanna live before i die

and maybe it’s funniest of all to think i’ll die before i actually see

that i am exactly the person that i want to be

The conversation ranged over the topics of motherhood, families and many other random topics but ultimately I felt wise and strong and strangely at peace at the end of it....and dare I say quite grown up.

The mother bit is more complex and as all mothers and fathers know an eternal struggle between loving,holding,keeping safe and letting go,guiding and hoping that you've done the best job possible.

All of these things and others have led me to the conclusion that maybe I have grown up, at the ripe old age of 40 1/2 in that I no longer feel that I can't be myself for fear of ridicule or rejection. That I have finally learnt some lessons about how to treat people and trust my gut instincts and finally that even if I do make mistakes that I can forgive myself.

Or to quote Amanda;

and in my mind

in the faraway here and now

i’ve become in control somehow

and i never lose my wallet

because i will be the picture of discipline

never fucking up anything

and i’ll be a good defensive driver

and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now

but it does not seem to have happened

maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see

that i’ll never be the person that i thought i’d be

That is all

J