Growing Up

I have been thinking about the process of growing up. The how's why's and wherefores of it along with the pain, disappointment and ultimately peace and contentment that hopefully comes.

Many things have precipitated this but mostly the following......a song, a conversation with my beautiful sister and struggling to be the best mother that I can be.

The song is by Amanda Palmer ( no surprises there) and here is an extract;

and in my mind

i imagine so many things

things that aren’t really happening

and when they put me in the ground, i’ll start pounding the lid

saying “i haven’t finished yet –

i still have a tattoo to get

that says ‘i’m living in the moment’.”

and it’s funny how i imagined that i could win this winless fight

but maybe it isn’t all that funny that i’ve been fighting all my life

but maybe i have to think it’s funny if i wanna live before i die

and maybe it’s funniest of all to think i’ll die before i actually see

that i am exactly the person that i want to be

The conversation ranged over the topics of motherhood, families and many other random topics but ultimately I felt wise and strong and strangely at peace at the end of it....and dare I say quite grown up.

The mother bit is more complex and as all mothers and fathers know an eternal struggle between loving,holding,keeping safe and letting go,guiding and hoping that you've done the best job possible.

All of these things and others have led me to the conclusion that maybe I have grown up, at the ripe old age of 40 1/2 in that I no longer feel that I can't be myself for fear of ridicule or rejection. That I have finally learnt some lessons about how to treat people and trust my gut instincts and finally that even if I do make mistakes that I can forgive myself.

Or to quote Amanda;

and in my mind

in the faraway here and now

i’ve become in control somehow

and i never lose my wallet

because i will be the picture of discipline

never fucking up anything

and i’ll be a good defensive driver

and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now

but it does not seem to have happened

maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see

that i’ll never be the person that i thought i’d be

That is all

J